Rose Red and The Seven Dorks
by Kylrane
Summary: A parody of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" that I had to write for school. I think it's pretty good, but I'll leave that to you reviewers to decide! ^_^


Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs". I also don't own the rights to "The Lord of The Rings" and "Star Trek". I had to write this as an assignment for school and I got an A+ for it. So I decided to post it here. It probably isn't the best I could put out since I had rushed it nearing the end but oh well. Reviews of all kind are welcome but flame me and you can expect the longest author note discussing that flame. Yes, there is a difference between constructive criticism and flames - I WILL know the difference. Explain why you don't like it if you don't like it, don't just leave a "This sucks, go to hell."

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Rose Red and the Seven Dorks

by Kylrane

Long ago, in a faraway land known as Sarilline, where songbirds serenaded everyone daily and the flowers never wilted, many kingdoms existed. Some were great and powerful, others were busy and prosperous. But one kingdom of Sarilline was neither great, powerful, or busy. It was indeed prosperous, to some extent, because that kingdom never experience war, famine, disaster, or turmoil. That kingdom was called Micronesia, for its small land area and an even smaller reputation. Because of Micronesia's size, none of the other kingdoms felt that there was a need to attack and take over it. Therefore, the kings and queens past and present were all descendants of the first rulers of Micronesia, Ephemeris and Aphelion. But now, there was a problem. The current king and queen of Micronesia had no heir.

King Samrin and his wife, Queen Lily, had yet to bear a child that would one day go on to rule Micronesia. Every day they would pray for a little boy, a prince, but their wish would not be granted. The King and Queen ventured out into the small woods near Micronesia, where they came upon a group of scientists that gave them a potion. The Queen drank the potion, and nine months later, Samrin and Lily became proud parents - of a baby girl. Samrin was quite upset at first - a **_king _**was required to rule, not a queen. It had been that way since the beginning. But a father could not be stopped from loving his daughter, and so he did. The little girl was named Rose Red, because of her rosy cheeks and red-gold hair. 

All was good - not perfect, but good - in Micronesia. But at the age of ten , Rose Red became an orphan after the inexplicable disappearance of her parents. The Royal Advisor, Lucidious, decided that Rose Red was too young to rule Micronesia and usurped the throne. Lucidious was a vain, cunning, vicious, and hideously ugly egomaniac. He hated Rose Red, not because of her charm, beauty, or grace - because she didn't have much of those - but because of her intelligence. She had broken his record for youngest person to thoroughly understand the volumes of knowledge written by King Aphelion, and Lucidious was bitter. 

"I'm the unofficial King of this dump, and who do they go to for advice? That little brat, Rose Red! I have the title of Royal Advisor for a reason, but NOOO, they're going to little princess Rose Red. 'She's so smart and knowledgeable and kind!' I'll show those common folk! I'll teach them who's boss! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

When Rose Red turned sixteen, Lucidious sent her on a trip to the woods, his excuse being that she needed to establish ties with the forest dwellers in order to increase trade in Micronesia. Rose Red, as sharp as she was, quickly realized that Lucidious' motives weren't fiscal at all. In fact, they were murderous. A huntsman was on the trail of Rose Red once she stepped out of the boundaries of Micronesia, which took little time. Rose Red readied her trusty bow and arrow, in order to defend herself against attack.

The huntsman hopped out of the bushes, and unsheathed his sword. "Ye Rose Red of Micronesia shall fall victim to thy mighty sword, of which shall earn thyself fame and glory unprecedented for years to come..." His words were cut short with a quick _thwang_ of Rose Red's bowstring.

"Horrid wretch!! Thou bow hast pierced thy great shoulder! Alas! Succumb to the shadows I shall not!!" The huntsman groaned. Rose Red rolled her eyes at the huntsman, who passed out after his prolonged babble. "Thank the heavens, at last the idiot shut up!" 

Rose Red, experiencing freedom from the castle for the first time, decided to explore Bonsai Woods. It was a small wood in comparison to the other great forests of Sarilline, but a wood nonetheless. After a while, Rose Red grew weary of her exploration and searched for a sanctuary where she could rest. She came upon a large cottage, and because no one was inside, she figured a short nap would be enough to relieve her exhaustion. Rose Red collapsed onto a comfortable couch and fell asleep.

While Rose Red napped, the owners of the cottage were making their way back home. No, they were not singing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's home from work we go!", but instead, they sang a different tune. A short guy in front carried a boom box on his shoulder, leading the way. "Hey, Ho...Hey, Ho....", they sang, waving their hands in the air and moving like they just don't care. 

The owners of the cottage were known throughout the Bonsai Woods as The Seven Dorks. They were all scientists of short stature who mined for minerals during the day. At night, they concocted potions, antidotes, and other things to sell for an passersby. The Seven Dorks were The Brain (the smart one, obviously), Dancie (a dance addict who seemed to be a fairy tale version of Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air), Trekkie (a Star Trek fanatic, complete with Spock ears), Gimli (a dwarf who's convinced he is Gimli from The Lord of the Rings), Klutzie (a clumsy little guy that's apparently danger prone), Techie (the dwarf who liked to build and invent newer forms of technology), and Nottie (a self proclaimed 'babe magnet' who thinks he's the hottest thing around - but he's not). They came upon their cottage, and when they entered, they saw Rose Red on their couch, sleeping and oblivious to what was going on. 

"Brain, Brain!! Some woman just WALTZED into our home!! I TOLD you to let me install the security system throughout the cottage. I bet NONE of this would have happened if you had just listened to me..." Techie cried, motioning towards the young woman. 

"Would ya shut yer yap, Techie?? Should you let your tongue waggle again, I'll take my great axe and, in the fashion of my father Gloin, chop yer head off." Gimli fingered his axe as he growled at Techie. 

"Can't we all live long and prosper together? Who says this girl is an enemy threat, and will attack the federation?" Trekkie asked. The Brain opened his mouth, ready to speak, when Rose Red stirred in her sleep. 

"What?? Where am I..." Rose mumbled, slowly getting up. She opened her eyes, saw all seven dorks staring at her, and immediately readied her bow to attack. The dorks shrieked in fear, and hid behind the table. However, thanks to Klutzie, the table toppled over and the vase that was on it crashed to the floor.

"Whoops. My bad."

After many explanations, the dorks came to the conclusion that Rose Red meant no harm in coming into the cottage. Rose Red begged to stay the night, in case any of Lucidious' henchmen were lurking in the shadows of the Bonsai Woods. Dancie and Techie cooked supper while the others discussed Rose Red's current situation.

"So this creepy evil guy just decides to send someone to kill you? Yeesh. Glad I'm no princess." Klutzie said, trying to keep still for fear of breaking something.

"My point exactly!" Rose Red exclaimed, sighing. "I can't stay within Micronesia without fearing for my life. Lucidious may be a freak, but he's a conniving freak that's willing to do anything to make sure I'm dead." 

"Is there any way that he could be removed from power?" asked The Brain, obviously trying to create a plan. Rose Red shook her head sadly. The dorks groaned. 

"Well...there is one way...but it would never work." 

The dorks brightened. They hoped Rose Red would get out of their house as soon as possible. Seven people living in a house was bad enough, but seven dorks and a princess on the run from evil bad guys living in a cottage? The dorks didn't even want to look at it as an option. Rose Red was encouraged to elaborate.

"If Micronesia has a bloodline heir, they can usurp the throne." Rose Red explained slowly, trying to remember what she had read in the ancient palace records. 

"So? You're a bloodline heir, you take over!" Nottie cried. "Then you can live in the palace and hit on me all you want, baby!" He received several glares and a smack on the back of the head for the comment.

"It's not as easy as that. The law says that you must be a **_male _**in order to rule Micronesia. And I'm definitely not a male." 

It was quiet in the cottage for a few minutes, except for the scrape of Techie's spatula against the pan and the tapping of Dancie's feet. Finally, Techie spoke from the kitchen. "Maybe we can whip up a sex changing potion so..."

"I AM NOT TURNING MYSELF INTO A BOY!!!" Rose Red cried. 

"Chill, princess, I was only joking..."

"So how is it that ya can gain back da throne if yer a lass, eh?? Too bad we ain't close enough to Gondor, we could call upon my good friend Aragorn, son of Arathorn, to sort out this matter!! Ah, yes, King Elessar, so powerful like meself..." Gimli began to ramble on about the travels of the fellowship that he so strongly believed he was part of. Everyone stared at him until he got the clue to quiet down. Then Rose Red began to speak again.

"In simple words, if I wed, my husband can then take over as King." 

A smile came over Nottie. "So, baby, you into slightly shorter men??" Once again, Nottie was smacked.

Rose Red stayed with the seven dorks for not just the night, but for several years. She and the shorties got along quite well. The dorks taught Rose Red the ways of science while the princess instructed the dorks in archery and fencing. It was a happy union, and they eventually began to forget about Micronesia and the evil Lucidious. In turn, Rose Red faded from Lucidious' memory as he became less sane and more tyrannical towards the people of Micronesia. A rebellion began to stir against Lucidious among the citizens of Micronesia, who were sick of oppression and overtaxing. Slowly, group by group, Micronesians escaped from their homeland, most seeking help from other kingdoms. However, there was a select few that remembered a young princess had once lived within the confines of Micronesia's palace. They wondered where she had gone, and began to search for her too.

One young man and his group were traveling through the Bonsai Woods when darkness fell upon them. The young man got lost, and could not find his way back to his family. Shivering, he curled up against a tree for warmth. 

"I apologize, Tree Lord, but I have no other place to sleep." he murmured, more to himself for a little comfort. To the man's surprised, the tree groaned and began to move. 

"I'm always getting leaned on throughout the day but you, my boy, are the first to ever acknowledge me!" cried the great tree. A rumbling laugh that shook the forest came forth from the tree and caused the young man to tumble to the ground. The tree bent down and picked the young man up with one of its branches. "Tell me your name boy, so I may one day repay you for your kindness."

The young man, aged at about nineteen, stared wide eyed at the tree. "My name? My name is Seann, sir." 

"Seann, eh?? So, what's your business in the Bonsai Woods? It's not safe to be lurking around here, the other trees like to walk around and may trample you." the tree commented to Seann. Seann looked down, embarrassed.

"I got lost, to be honest with you. I'm from Micronesia and the ruler is evil and greedy. My family and a bunch of our friends were leaving Micronesia for the ocean kingdom of Evanescence when we got separated." Seann explained. The Tree Lord peered at Seann, thinking.

"The last person from Micronesia I came across was a young woman, about your age. She lives in these woods now, perhaps she can aide you." Tree Lord motioned towards a path, now lit by magical floating creatures, known in Sarilline as faerie baubles. "Follow the baubles to a cottage and knock three times. Tell who answers that you come in peace." 

"Are you sure she will accept me into her home, Tree Lord?" Seann asked. The Tree Lord grumbled at this.

"I see everything that goes on in the forest, kid!! Don't you think I'd get to know my neighbors?! I'm not some dumb stick of wood!" Tree Lord exclaimed, nudging Seann in the direction of the path. Seann thanked Tree Lord and went off in the direction of the cottage, belonging to none other than Rose Red and her seven dorks.

Rose Red did allow Seann in, and he stayed at the cottage overnight. He was exhausted and immediately fell asleep on the same couch Rose Red napped on years before. Rose Red was the first thing Seann's eyes met in the morning when he woke, and her pancakes were the first things he smelled. Seann developed a bit of an infatuation with Rose Red, but the princess was either completely oblivious to his admiration or had decided to feign disinterest towards him. Whatever it was, all seven dorks saw the way Seann gazed at Rose Red during breakfast. They smirked and raised their eyebrows towards the stranger while Trekkie carried on a conversation with Rose Red about Cling-ons.

Seann was invited to watch Rose Red and the dorks practice their archery. He loved the way she let her arrow fly through the air. He loved the way she helped the dorks correctly position their bows. He loved the way she clapped and smiled whenever an arrow hit the bull's-eye. He loved her.

While Seann sat in the sun wondering what type of flowers Rose Red liked, Lucidious was looking into his crystal ball. He was furious. Word had leaked out to him that Rose Red was still alive. The first thing he did was execute the idiot henchman he had sent to kill her years ago. Then he screamed and threw things across the room for several hours before coming to the conclusion that he should use his crystal ball to search for the missing princess. "Show me Rose Red!" Lucidious growled. The ball fogged up and began to show a fuzzy image of Rose Red's archery lesson with the dorks. Lucidious banged his hand on the table to get a clearer reception. "Cheap satellite crystal balls..." he grumbled. "Oh well. Those little twerps with her are no challenge for me. I can take her down easily." He knew where she was, and he had the perfect plan to kill her. The palace chemists were somewhat morbid and had just concocted a new poison. Lucidious grabbed an arrow that was on one of the display cases, cast a spell on it, and dipped the arrow's point into the poison. He eyed the deadly weapon maliciously. "Prepare to die, Rose Red."

"He sent an army into the Bonsai Woods, and a short time later, the arrow was aimed at Rose Red's shoulder. Even though the arrow had been enchanted to only hit Rose Red, Lucidious had ordered the men to be cautious. Rose Red was laughing at Klutzie, who had managed to pin himself to the ground with his arrows. The archer carefully steadied his arm, pulled back the arrow, and let it loose. With a _twang_ and a gasp, Rose Red was on the grass, unconscious. 

"ROSE RED!!! ROSE RED!!!" Dancie shrieked, going over to her. "She's not moving, Brain, she's not moving!!" 

Nottie frowned, and began to search for the assailant. He took aim at the archer moving in the bushes and let his arrow fly. It hit the archer straight in the leg. "That's for Rose Red, you pig!!"

Gimli armed himself with an axe and began to whirl it around. "Come out, ya cowards!! Ye be no match for a skilled dwarf like myself!!" The rest of the dorks grabbed their bows and arrows and aimed at whatever moved. Suddenly, a swarm of Lucidious' men popped out of the bushes and surrounded the dorks, Rose Red, and Seann. Their leader laughed at them. 

"Get a load of this, guys, seven dwarves, a passed out princess, and a renegade Micronesian!! What a fight we're going to have!!" 

Trekkie narrowed his eyes at the leader. "You know what, sir? You WILL be challenged by our forces." He pointed his arrow at the leader. "Never give up, never surrender guys!! AVENGE OUR PRINCESS!!!" He let out a battle cry and stepped forward before letting his arrow pierce the leader's neck. "Wow. I did it!!"

Suddenly, a hoard of forest folk attacked Lucidious' henchman before the dorks had to do much else. The Brain examined the arrow that had taken down Rose Red. "It's coated in rowancolth. I don't know where we're going to get the antidote."

Seann stepped up. "What is the antidote? I will go and find it. I swear I would rather die than have Rose Red in eternal sleep."

Techie shrugged. "It's only one ingredient, but it's really hard to find. We need the blood of one who has earned the favor of the Forest Keeper." 

"Forest Keeper?"

"You know, big tall tree, big shaky laugh, otherwise known as Tree Lord..." Techie explained. Seann's jaw dropped. "That's the Forest Keeper?! Tree Lord is the Forest Keeper?! I never knew that!!" 

Klutzie became excited. "You've met the Forest Keeper?!"

"Well, yeah. He directed me to your home last night. He said I was the first to acknowledge him or something of that nature." Seann said, as if it were nothing.

"QUICK!! CUT HIM!" The Brain ordered. Seann held out his arm, and Techie made a swift cut and pressed his finger on the blood. It was smeared onto Rose Red's wound, and almost instantly, she came back to life. 

"Wow. You must REALLY be tight with the Forest Keeper." Dancie remarked. Rose Red looked around her. 

"What just went on here?!" she asked. Trekkie grinned.

"I kicked some major baddie butt for you and the federation!! Captain Kirk would be so proud!!" 

Klutzie smiled at Rose Red. "Remember when we first met? You said that the only way we could get that bad guy out of power was if you married."

Rose Red chuckled at Klutzie. "Klutzie, I love you, but as a friend. I will not marry you." 

"I'm not saying you should marry me. Marry Seann." 

Rose Red and Seann glanced at each other. Seann's cheeks burned in embarrassment, but looked straight into Rose Red's hazel eyes. "I wouldn't mind that arrangement. But can I ask you something? Why does Lucidious want you dead, and why would your marriage get him out of power?"

Rose Red hesitated before responding. "Because...because...because I'm the princess of Micronesia. If I marry, that makes my husband king, which allows us to overthrow Lucidious. Until then, I am powerless." 

Nottie nudged Seann. "See? She's cute, smart, and powerful. Need any more reasons to marry her??"

So Rose Red and Seann did wed. Soon after their marriage, the newly weds, the dorks, and a whole bunch of forest folk stormed into Micronesia and put Lucidious into exile. The evil sorcerer/advisor is now somewhere shining shoes on street corners for twenty five cents. Peace and order was restored to Micronesia, and it became a model for prosperity and morality for kingdoms throughout Sarilline. Each of the seven dorks was rewarded for their kindness towards Rose Red.

The Brain is the new Royal Advisor to Rose Red and Seann. He has a wife and two little children, named Rose and Red. 

Dancie has opened a club in Micronesia, where all the young and 'hip' Micronesians gather to dance to the sounds of Tom Jones and other corny artists that Dancie worships.

Trekkie is still a Star Trek freak, and runs conventions throughout Sarilline. He has met other Star Trek freaks, including his new wife, Roadalanyu. They vow to live long and prosper. 

Klutzie has written several best selling books, including I Am Danger Prone, Accidental Me, and Clumsiness = Success. He lives in a padded mansion so he can't break anything.

Gimli has traveled throughout Sarilline like Trekkie, creating his own adventures. He too will soon be putting a book out, entitled "The Dwarf: Here and There I Go". Coincidentally, he met an elf like creature named Lego Block. They have become friends.

Nottie has become a fashion model and designer, with his own 'Hottie Nottie' clothing line. He has several girlfriends, and lives in a mansion with Klutzie. 

Techie created a technological empire and provides Rose Red and Seann with the best software and hardware available. He is now known as Bill Gates.

But what about Rose Red and Seann? They still do hang out with the dorks. In fact, one afternoon, they discussed what transpired that fateful day years ago, when Rose Red fell asleep on the dork's couch.

"Why'd you let me stay in the first place?" Queen Rose Red asked, knitting a crimson baby's cap. 

Klutzie shrugged. "We figured we should be nice to you. After all, you were alone without anyone at all. We didn't realize the pay off we'd be getting at the end, but hey, a little kindness goes a long way."

The End


End file.
